The opposite of unconditional love, is ‘conditional love’. I cringe every time I hear a mom or dad say the following to their son or daughter, ‘Paul, if you don’t stop crying mommy won’t love you anymore!’ or ‘Mary, if you don’t tidy your room dad won’t love you anymore!’ Words have power and will make an impact on your children’s lives. These conditional words can be controlling and manipulative, and it makes your love based on conditions and performance.
“It is so important to create an environment of unconditional love.”
Thus, it is so important to create an environment of unconditional love. Children need to feel secure in their parents’ love no matter their imperfections, shortcomings, disobedience and/or immaturity.
My wife (Colleen) and I tried our utmost to create a loving environment where our children felt safe and loved. We didn’t love them based on what they did for us or because they were well behaved. We loved them unconditionally because they were our precious gifts – our beautiful children that have been entrusted to us, by God, to parent for a season.
What did we do? How did we cultivate an environment of ‘unconditional love’? Here are four practical steps to help you show unconditional love.
1. Time
Colleen and I purposely spent time with our children. We wanted them to feel important and special. It wasn’t about getting the job done. As parents we had to sacrifice our personal agendas and what we wanted and needed to do, in order to spend time with our children. Do something practical with your time. Ask questions. Play a game. Do a puzzle. Read a book. Rough and tumble with your boys.
2. Words
Every person in the world desires to hear the following words ‘I love you’. It’s important to understand that children and teenagers are not mind-readers. They need to hear those words on a DAILY basis. We wanted to ensure that our children knew without a shadow of doubt that mom and dad loved them very much. We didn’t want them to ever doubt our love for them. Even to this day, we tell our adult children that we love them. No matter where they are in the world, what season of life they’re in - we still express our love for them. An important way to express your love for your children is by using the words “I love you”.
3. Touch
This is a practical expression of your love for your children. Colleen and I expressed our love for our children not only in words, but also through actions: using physical touch. A hug, quick cuddle, high five and/or kiss on the cheek speaks volumes. Sitting on the couch watching a TV programme, snuggling with your children and/or watching sport or their favourite programme conveys something special to them. I am aware that people around the world have crossed the line with ‘touch’, but that doesn’t mean it is wrong. Even as teenagers, physical touch is a necessity. If they don’t get it from their parents, they will look elsewhere for it.
4. Accept
Accept your children and teenagers as an individual with their own unique talents, gifts, strengths and weaknesses. With our three children, we soon began to realise that they were so different. We knew we couldn’t change them or use a one-size fits all approach. For Colleen and myself, we appreciated and valued their differences, and looked for opportunities to nurture and encourage them in their differences. An environment of encouragement and love was a hallmark of our home. When mistakes were made, we encouraged them to pick themselves up, learn the lessons that needed to be learnt, and to move forward in life.
Try the following this week:
1. Do something special with each one of your children this week.
2. Tell your child daily that you love him/her. Send them a text message or leave a note on their pillow.
3. Give your child a hug every day.
4. Find the ‘good’ in your child and encourage him/her daily.
Be consistent in showing unconditional love to your children.